If your anything like me, you have been doing some slacking during this school-year. Between the existential fear caused by the political and social strife occurring in the world around us, to the pains of loneliness and isolation caused by the current pandemic, or even just not knowing what you are going to do with yourself when graduation day comes and goes, just laying around and not doing anything, although not always the healthiest thing, can really take your mind off of those problems and they definitely won’t just fester and build up in the back of your mind like some sort of volcano of sadness.

I got a bit ahead of myself there, but the point is with all going on in the world around us, slackers are going to have a much harder time figuring out the best way to be lazy. Lucky for you I have spent pain staking minutes pondering the most efficient ways to be lazy in our current situation, and only waited several days before writing this article to help my fellow couch potatoes and channel surfers. Without any further adieu: The Tips and Tricks to Laziness in Distance Learning.

Tip Number One: Google Meet? More Like Google Sleep!

The first key to being a good degenerate is getting several hours more than the recommended amount of sleep per day, but of course I would never encourage getting to sleep earlier. The midnight hours are key for any aspiring daydreamer to surf the web, watch obscure YouTube videos and, of course, ponder life and its inherent meaninglessness. The best way to stay up late every night and still sleep for entirely too long is to use valuable class time where you could be learning to have mid-day, early-day and late-day naps! Alternatively you could just never wake up in the first place, whatever sinks your ship. Now, the professional procrastinators will employ some particularly peculiar strategies to make sure you get away with your prestigious power naps – just join the google meet and go to sleep afterwards, as long as your name shows up on the screen, no one will ever ask any questions.

Tip Number Two: Trash Cans are so pre-COVID

Of course when you are laying around doing your best impression of a statue with mindless Netflix shows playing in the background, snacks are imperative to your ability to do nothin. Of course with every  great, beautiful thing in life, there is a cost that comes to tear pieces away from your soul. That of course, in this specific scenario, is the trash left over from the other trash that tasted good enough to shove down your throat. Of course the productive human would pick up this garbage to have a cleanly place to live, but that goes against the core philosophy of the deadbeat. We strive for ease of life even if it destroys and tears apart every other facet of our lives until we are left as nothing but a shell of the three dimensional being we once were. Taco shell. Anyway –  just like throw your trash on the ground, or maybe keep a greasy take-out bag next to that butt-shaped indent in your couch. I mean do what you want, just don’t do too much work or you’ll accidentally make your life easier in the future rather than just succumbing to base needs that will only entertain you for a few fleeting moments.

Tip Number Three: Avoid Any Real Growth as a Person

In these trying times, you may find yourself in a position where you can rise to the occasion or pull your life together in an attempt to accomplish something. Maybe you see something online that inspires you to better yourself as a person or at least come closer to becoming the idealized version of yourself that you still believe in for some reason. Whatever you do, stay away from doing that. The last thing you ever want to do is put yourself in a position where you take a risk to accomplish something in your life. Rather, just stay in your current state. It’s safe there. You can’t be hurt when you never put yourself out-there/ It never worked out before, did it? Whatever you do, never grow as a human being or ever, EVER, make yourself vulnerable to anyone or for anything.

I hope these tips can help you continue to live a life without challenge or any opportunity for growth. And maybe, if you’re lucky, you might live a life as unfulfilled as mine.